TouchMacaque

The only thing missing from this is the quest for a cruelty free pee, that seems to take up most of our lives these days.

I tried their coleslaw, it put cummies in my tummy. I then went to some kind of human poultry farm for some eggs and ate those so that the coleslaw could fertilize it. I gave birth to an adorable abomination of a plate of chewed up fish and chips right into my toilet a few hours later. My roommate says I just puked but I know what I ate, that’s how babies are made.

James my local fishmonger told me he jacked off one time but he didn’t like it so he never did it again. Guy fucks all the fish though, I told him that’s just jacking off with extra steps but he’s in denial. A true nofap kind of guy you know?

They put a data center in my pussy in 1979 but the whole thing was bigger than me so they had to shred me up into a sludge and coat it with me. You ladies these days have it easy, data centers are much smaller now.

SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED

But if you don’t feed me how else will I gain dopamine points to redeem at the antidepression store?

I don’t have a car

My neighbour’s mechanic used to put notes in my car every time he’d work on it and it was pretty annoying since he isn’t even my mechanic, but recently he left me a note about how RFK Jr has plans to patent a new type of all natural smartphone called the worm phone. So thank God cities are doing this for the birds, we’re going to need them if we’re ever going to destroy the worms.

Is my age showing or am I just too young to be on the Internet

They would probably stop shooting themselves if their Bananadine and Jenkem habits didn’t cost them like a million bucks an hour, thanks liberals

Hell there’s even a market for market based smut where craft markets are having anal sex with farmers markets while simultaneously having illicit affairs with stock markets. Everyone needs a little lovin’.

He’s upset because everyone made the wrong assumption, it’s actually a story about a sentient staff that gets revenge for being used as a sounding rod for 30 years.

This is my aunt’s daughter’s cousin(my sister) with mango black bean paste on cinnamon raisin bagels. She’s been eating it every day for every meal since she became autistic at age 42. I told her it’s not healthy but she tells me to fuck off every time. We had her over for Christmas dinner and I stuffed the turkey full of bagels hoping she would actually eat but she just screamed at me that I was an inconsiderate dumb man. I’m not even a man so I don’t understand, does she know something I don’t? She was born 9 years before me so maybe she knows all of our family’s secrets and that’s why she only eats mango black bean paste bagels.

I’ve made it my life’s work to investigate this but I haven’t gotten anywhere, if anyone can help me discover the truth I’ll give you six cents and a pocket full of lint as compensation.

My local brothel serves eggs bonerdicked for breakfast on Sundays before church and I’ve been requesting corn for months now but they never put it on the menu, it’s distressing

I bet he didn’t even use Margaret Thatcher’s Boner Smasher.

My Canadian neighbour’s uncle patented a new fleshlight model the other day called the “Margaret Thatcher’s Boner Smasher”. It’s made of 100% iron and will wreck your junk but everyone seems to love it for some reason. I haven’t tried it yet but I’ll probably borrow my great grandpa’s in a few weeks when he’s done with it. Those crazy Canucks are always patenting strange products, like cigarette toast crunch and maple semengarettes (man those Canadians sure love cigarettes). If I hadn’t been born there I’d love to go visit someday.

Holy shit, Buckwheat Billy is that really you?!

This is me drowning in cum numbers at my accounting job in Nebraska back in 1937. My Norwegian boss used to call me tadpole, in not sure why but I think it had to do with the fact that I’m French and was new to the job so tadpole was a play on the whole “French frog” thing. Anyway I quit my job because he kept wanting me to go out and put signs up that said “fisted old horse for sale” because in his native language of Guarani the word “fisted” means happy. So he thought he was putting up signs for a happy old horse for sale but everyone who called about the sign was a real weirdo. I told him his mistake and he hit me with the belt from a belt sander and told me he was my dad. I was pretty confused at first because I’ve known my dad my entire life and he would never hit me with a belt of any kind, a bike chain sure but not a belt, belts are for pants and sanders. And not the Bernie or Colonel kind either, more like the old obsolete tool used to make surfaces smooth back before jagged surfaces became the hip new thing. So I was drowning in cum numbers and couldn’t finish all my work in time to save the horse, it was sold to an old woman named Gillie and she turned it into a fibreglass statue for her sister in law’s ex husband who had too many UTIs to ride a real live horse. I wonder what he’s up to these days.

My step zaida told me that for Ramadan this year she’s getting me a new phone so I can comment on things and get free dopamine from all the likes I get but after 1 hour all I got was this stupid t shirt that says “I’ve got Parkinson’s and I’m not afraid to show it”. I fucking hate it so I shredded it and gave it to my pet warbler named Parkinson to use in his nest but even he didn’t want it. Now I’m stuck with some shitty shredded t shirt covered in bird shit and I don’t know what to do anymore, I think I’ll go back to college for accounting and become a taxidermist so I call stuff my damn bird full of shredded t shirts. Yeah, that sounds good.

Ads are the best part of life, I can’t wait until I can get a chip installed into my brain so I can get the ultimate targeted ads.