typical shareholder meeting in america:

ceo: i’ve come to a stunning conclusion, and i don’t want to ruffle too many feathers or cause a heart attack–we know what happened to MCfunky last week.

uneasy laughter

ceo: but i have a crazy idea that i’m sure is going to shock everyone in the room, and i’m hesitant to even say this out loud, but, how about we cut one employee per store and raise the prices on ALL items by a nickel!

the room of shareholders went completely silent, until the oldest of the bunch cut a huge fart. what happened next was a raucous laughter that wasn’t heard since the first test screening of ‘a princess bride’ and a round of applause that was usually reserved for a barack obama speech @ $200k a seat (champagne optional).

the forbes editor who was deployed to the meeting immediately came in his pants and a rothschild graciously committed to buying him a new pair, despite the known frugality of the ultra-wealthy (they wouldn’t be rich if they didn’t know how to work a penny). she told him, ‘meet me on rodeo drive next week and i got you covered’ but he missed the appointment because he was supposed to cover alysa liu’s birthday extravaganza.

she was fat anyway, at least that what he told himself. she was kinda fat by european or asian standards but we were in america and the rules of the wild west still apply. who cares how much money she has. alysa dyed her hair green this week. that’s all that really matters,.

i don’t get angry because they rearranged the store, i get angry because they ONLY rearranged the store so some worthless, nepo-baby dipshit can justify their existence at the company because they came to the conclusion–after 25 focus groups-- that it’d increase shareholder value by $0.0003 to move the pasta to aisle 3

who cares about athletics?

i never heard of the ‘soccer age’ because no sport has ever moved our species forward. i’m definitely over here in 2026 celebrating ty cobb; without that dude i wouldn’t have electricity in my house so i can watch MLB games. the only reason anyone knows the name ‘ty cobb’ is because his baseball card was worth so much. that’s our priority beyond athletics. how much does this athlete make per year?

what’s your net worth???

americans love sports so much because we devalue intellect and anything that makes us human. we even frame intellect as pretentious, like all those depictions of impenetrable silent french films and classical compositions that take a mountain of education to understand, even though both are always rooted in universal, human emotions.

they are though.

anyone who grew up in the american suburbs grew up with parents who couldn’t cook a proper meal despite the existence of cookbooks and were like ‘how about kraft dinner.’

you think you eat kraft macaroni and cheese at a hood bbq?

i’d rather have had a black woman cooking for me lol. are you fucking serious?

so now we’re shaming children/adolescents for not being hip to all the dynamics of american capitalism?

this isn’t even funny as a meme. teachers are trying to educate kids even if they’re bad at it. what are you doing? reposting lame internet wisecracks?

this post highlights how the tortilla and the baked potato are similar in that they’re just empty vessels waiting to be filled by fixins; in less ideal restaurants this expression of culinary freedom is known as a ‘a bar,’ but this is based on hearsay since i’d never set foot in a place like that.

i think this is a profound statement on culture and class that will, no doubt, go over the heads of many reading this.

we all love sour cream no matter what race we are, what culture we belong to, and i think that’s absolutely insane if you think about it, that we are capable of liking the same things despite differences that seem important if you think beyond sour cream. how can such a simple food bind us together?

i never actually thought about why it’s called sour cream before it was dolloped on a traditional taco bought in a border town in mexico when i was visiting to purchase an inexpensive crown–this is when the sour stood tall against the savory blend of spices, yet despite this feud they complimented each other, and this nearly broke me because my sheltered palette had never known such flavors–what an astonishing blend of mysterious ethnic spices you’ll never find in a packet.

but my smile is a little crooked and they fixed that up for a budget price. it always bothered me to work in a professional environment and not have a perfect smile, i could feel the judgement in zoom meetings although nobody ever said anything. they made really good burritos in _____ , and i’ll never forget that just like i’ll never forget my perfect smile courtesy of mexico. no more chipotle for me, only food trucks, and i tip my gardener an extra 20%.

i remember the great plastic transition of 1995. on the trek though GRAND UNION to buy macaroni salad ingredients and store brand chips, i asked my mom why there were so many plastic bottles, and she replied ‘we’re like pioneers’ and she referenced little house on the prairie, and i still didn’t understand what she was getting at, so she slapped some sense into me right in aisle 13 and i pretended i understood so she’d leave me alone for five minutes.

a few weeks ago my MD said that i have colon cancer and i assume that’s from pounding cases of fruitopia when it was in vogue but who am i gonna sue? is big plastic a thing?

i tried to tell my mom it was her fault but when i tried to call all i heard was a dial tone. i thought that was weird at the time because cell-phones don’t have dial tones but my therapist said i was hallucinating; she still won’t prescribe me xanax.

pour one out for the US postal worker.

the postal worker used to have an important job, maybe the most important job–acting as the gateway between your inner world and the outer world. a job since delegated to your email inbox.

they delivered the correspondence between yourself and your loved ones and your penpals; they delivered the catalogs that met your sartorial needs–macy’s, sears or delia’s, and these glossy pages had you covered no matter your demographic, style, income. you were just a lookbook away from the perfect picturesque christmas or the perfect gift to meet any need. if you wanted something more niche, you were always a delivery away from gratification, after sending out a request from the backpages of SPIN, TV guide or glamour. i became a minister through the US postal service; i bought my first KMFDM album through the pages of industrial nation–fuck youtube.

the mail is a flaccid shadow of its former self, and these rugged, short-short clad adventurers serve no purpose other than to deliver bank statements and montgomery ward catalogs to boomers, who don’t realize that the company is no longer the proud, stalwart that used to anchor shopping malls and sell you high-quality goods at reasonable prices and has instead transformed into a private equity scam that preys on citizens with bad credit; when their house burns down becaue of the budget space heater they bought they still won’t get the memo that shit sucks. they won’t connect all these dots. but i do.

last week i gave my mailman a blowjob and i’m proud of it.

why is her outfit ‘sexualizing’ anyway?

even if her outfit didn’t suggest ‘panties’ it’d still be sexy because it accentuates her form.

the actress is probably 35, who cares who the character is aimed at. it’s normal for men to see an attractive woman and be like ‘wow she’s attractive.’

you’re pathologizing normal thinking and probably feeling incredibly satisfied with your lame response because you used the word ‘teenage’ and nobody would dare to cross swords.

grow up.

porn in america is hyper-aggressive and focused on penetration. there’s no eroticism to it. it’s crass and disgusting.

there’s something to putting on a 90s skinemax film and seeing hot milfs wearing sexy, satin nighties tenderly riding men on a real bed in a real bedroom, instead of watching giant, unearthly cocks penetrating gaping vaginas in extreme close-up.

what a boneheaded take out of the OP.

there’s a HUGE difference between what porn is selling and what turns you on.

i need AI to tell me how to make fried chicken because i’m too stupid to read a recipe, and did i also tell you at some point that i have a masters degree in chemical engineering and i create new flavor sensations for nabisco? keep it a secret.

don’t tell anyone what i’m about to reveal in this post, but teddy grahams are about to make a comeback and unleash some wild flavors like cinnamon/vanilla/sriracha. you may scoff at that combo and think to yourself ‘that doesn’t work’ but we tested it out on starving children in the Philippines and they all loved it. we’re infusing them with protein, 28g per serving and this is with less than 200 calories. don’t ask me how we did that because i signed an NDA.

travelling salesmen who pirate all their media??

who is this for?

those unicorn users who make 150k++ a year and pirate all their media and then wanna share it with their friends that they don’t have?